Empathy – Can We Teach It?

When I started teaching, I was ready to teach reading – I had been gathering books for years from garage sales, retired teachers, and thrift stores.

I was ready to teach math – I had learned strategies to use all sorts of materials to teach regrouping, fractions, and multiplication.

I was ready to teach science

and social studies

and writing

I wasn’t ready to teach empathy.

I think I had pictured my class singing songs and giggling together, but I neglected to imagine the uglier moments.

Those moments when a student would tell another student that he or she wasn’t smart enough,

wasn’t fast enough,

wasn’t tall enough,

wasn’t pretty enough,

wasn’t enough.

We’ve all had that moment – maybe with students in our classroom, kids at the mall, or even children in our home – when they say that sentence that is just so hurtful. That sentence that takes your breath away, leaves you speechless, and leaves you fuming.

We want to yell, to dish out consequences, to make them regret their actions.  We want to preach how wrong what they did was.  We scold.  We yell.  We wag our finger in their faces. We say they should know better.

But then a week later, it happens again…so do they really know better?

Because here is the hard pill to swallow – it turns out that empathy, like a lot of other mechanisms of handling the world around us, is learned.

It has to be taught.

We can’t just preach, we have to teach.

What is empathy and where does it come from?

A recent study found that there is actually more to how our brain processes empathy than we originally thought.

Until now, social neuroscience models have assumed that people simply rely on their own emotions as a reference for empathy. This only works, however, if we are in a neutral state or the same state as our counterpart. Otherwise, the brain must use the right supramarginal gyrus to counteract and correct a tendency for self-centered perceptions of another’s pain, suffering or discomfort. – “The Neuroscience of Empathy”

What huge implications!  If we are not in the same place as the other person experiencing trauma, or if we are stressed about our own issues, our brain has to redirect past just emotions and use the right supramarginal gyrus to try to push us towards empathy.  The encouraging part of this is that this part of our brain, like much of the rest, is malleable – it can be strengthened to more quickly compensate in moments of stress.

Why teach empathy?

This research shows us that we must practice empathy to become stronger at showing empathy.  So, back to this idea of empathy being a behavior that might just need to be taught.  I think we need to drop the “They should know how to act by now” sentence.  Trust me, I’ve used it…recently.  I get it.  It’s painful seeing the same behavior over and over and over again.  However, if the behavior continually repeats despite consequences, shouldn’t we start to question the effectiveness of solely handing out consequences?

Recently, we started our a new behavior management system at our school called PBIS, and one of the most helpful pieces of training centered around this idea that behavior is learned and therefore must be taught.  The discussion started simply enough – what would you do if, as a third grade teacher, a student came to you who couldn’t read?  Would you tell them they should know how to read by now?  Would you punish?  Of course not, we would teach.  What if someone came not knowing how to add? We would teach.  Not know how to capitalize letters? Cry a little on the inside, and then, teach.

But what do we do when a student who comes to our classroom and doesn’t know how to speak respectfully to others when he or she is upset?  Teach?  I can honestly say that is often not my first reaction.  More often than not, when a student doesn’t know a behavior or doesn’t demonstrate appropriate behavior, our immediate response is a consequence.

I am not writing this post to get into the discussion of consequences, but I want you to let that sink in.  We are so quick to do interventions when they are lacking a skill academically (even if it is one we have taught before and they should know it by now), but behaviorally, we feel like if we tell the students the rules once, they should do it.

Research shows that behaviors, in general, need to be taught.  Some of our students will already have some of this from home.  Some of them may need that extra support at school.  But no matter what, it is our job to educate the whole student.

What are ways we can teach empathy?

There are a lot of psychologists and behavior specialists out there that are far more equipped than I am to answer this question.  However, I will let you know the three ways that have been the most beneficial in my classroom thus far:

• Read Alouds
• Morning Meetings
• Mindfulness and Empathy in Motion

Read Alouds

If you have followed my blogs at all, you have probably already discovered that I love read alouds – I love getting the students hooked on series or tickling their brains with tantalizing nonfiction facts or giggling uncontrollably at short but hilarious picture books.  I have also learned that books are an incredible tool to help create shared experiences as a class while walking in a character’s shoes.

As I mentioned earlier, this year my group of kids have struggled to realize how hurtful words can be.  I had tried consequences and gazillions of reminders, but it didn’t seem to be getting any better.  Beyond just hurtful words, many of the comments were being directed towards specific students and the bullying line was being tiptoed a little too much for my liking.  So, I went to a colleague and he recommended Loser by Jerry Spinelli.  Now, I would caution you that this is definitely a heavy book, but my class needed it.  They quickly fell in love with the protagonist, Zinkoff, as he entered his elementary years.  They connected with his primary grade experiences of discovering school and the basic joys of childhood.  They were giggling with him and understanding some of his differences.  You see, the book doesn’t really spell it out, but Zinkoff definitely has some learning and physical differences, just like kiddos in our grade.  My class had fallen in love with Zinkoff, so when we hit the chapter when he goes to fourth grade and the kids start pointing out differences…there was an audible gasp.

“How could they treat him like that?”  

“Don’t they realize that he’s doing the best he can?”  

“Why do they care so much about a silly competition to be so mean to him?”

Then is when I dropped the truth bomb.  Even though this text was fiction, it was something I had seen happen year after year, even in our very own class.

Silence.

Mouths gaping.

You could see the emotion change from shock to disbelief to denial to blame back to wait…could it be me?

You see, read alouds allow a safe place to discuss big, tough issues while keeping all of the players safe. It helps us to make emotional connects in a low-stress environment. We have had SO many discussions as we read Loser about how even though Zinkoff is different, he really isn’t that different than the other kids.  Watching how the other kids treated Zinkoff really opened some eyes.  Which brings me to my next suggestion:

Morning Meetings

Morning Meetings have been a game changer for me.  I am a total fan of routine, so I like the aspect that our first 15 minutes of every day has a plan, but my favorite days are Monday and Friday.  On Monday and Friday, we sit in a circle and pass around a koosh ball to share about our lives.  We call this time “3 C’s.”  Students can share a Celebration, Comment, or Concern.  We try to keep our sharing to one sentence per student, but we let the rules slack if someone has something big to share.  Oh, teachers, you will learn SO much about your students during this time.  I learn things about their home lives that I would’ve never known, I learn talking points for those students who are a little harder to crack their shell, I learn who’s having a good day and who’s having a really hard day…it is so valuable.

But you know who else is learning?  The students.  They listen so intently to one another (after some practicing at the beginning of the year 🙂 you know…behavior is taught and all).  We also will often pair up with another student after 3 C’s and they will ask more about what they shared.  This works on conversation skills, listening skills, and…you guessed it…empathy.  As they learn more about each other’s lives, they are starting to notice those emotions and are starting to understand why that student might be a little grumpier that day.

But we can’t stop there.  Just hearing about one another’s lives doesn’t always seem to quite cut it.  It is also important that we teach kids how to notice other people’s struggles AND how to react when they do notice them so that when stress does come, they will have those skills to fall back on and empathize.

I use my Tuesday Morning Meeting to practice this.  Each day of the week has a different Morning Meeting theme; Tuesday is “Talk-it-Out Tuesday”.  (If you would like to use the slides that I use to help us remember what to do each morning, you can get them here for free in my TpT store.)  On Talk-it-Out-Tuesday, we discuss an array of different things – what’s going on in our classroom, school-wide trends, etc – but I especially use this time to practice behavior.  If we are struggling with being respectful, I give them some scenarios and they practice how would be a good way to handle it.  (It is CRAZY how much this works!  It sounds so hokey!)

We also use this time to talk about how to talk to one another.  We talk about how to ask questions about each other’s lives, how to listen well, how to respond, and how to react.  We learn empathy by practicing empathy.

Teachers, one more thing to keep in mind.  We must model empathy ourselves and name it.

Here is a clever acronym that you could use to help discuss different ways of talking about empathy:

Mindfulness and Empathy in Action

Because our brain’s neural circuitry is malleable and can be rewired through neuroplasticity one’s tendency for empathy and compassion is never fixed. We all need to practice putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes to reinforce the neural networks that allow us to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself’ and ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ –“The Neuroscience of Empathy”

There have been a lot of recent articles on Mindfulness, so I won’t go too deeply into this, but it is so important to teach students that they are in charge of their brains.  Mindfulness is in my mind very similar to metacognition – thinking about your thinking. We don’t have to let emotions take over.

Many studies have shown that mindfulness meditation that includes LKM (loving-kindness meditation) can rewire your brain. LKM is so simple and can be easily led in your classroom.  The idea is to take a few minutes everyday to sit quietly and think loving and compassionate thoughts about: 1) Family and friends. 2) Someone with whom you have tension or a conflict. 3) Strangers around the world who are suffering. 4) Self-compassion, forgiveness and self-love to yourself.

Truth: at first this felt a little silly.  However, by the second time I already noticed a difference in how many of the students approached this time.  They relaxed more and really let themselves go deeply into this thought process.

Doing this simple 4-step LKM practice literally rewires your brain by engaging neural connections linked to empathy. You can literally feel the tumblers in your brain shift and open up to empathy by spending just a few minutes going through this systematic LKM practice. –“The Neuroscience of Empathy”

Finally, help the kids put empathy in action.  Find way for them to practice kindness and compassion through volunteer projects.  Maybe this is writing a letter to someone overseas, sending a note to someone in a hospital or nursing home, making encouraging cards to have ready when they notice another student having a rough day.  There are so many ways we can get kids involved but it is our job to make these moments happen.

Conclusion

A recent study from Duke and Penn State followed over 750 people for 20 years, and found that those who were able to share and help other children in kindergarten were more likely to graduate from high school and have full-time jobs. Students who weren’t as socially adept were more likely to drop out of school, go to juvenile detention, or need government assistance. – Jessica Alexander, “Teaching kids empathy: In Danish schools, it’s … well, it’s a piece of cake”

Empathy is such an important skill and is one that will affect students for a lifetime.  It is crucial that we have the conversations with kids and put empathy into practice to help students build those neural connections.

Again, I am by no means an expert, but I know that this has been a huge issue in my classroom this year, so I wanted to share the research I have found and some of the ways that have worked for me.

Do you have any ideas of how to teach empathy in the classroom?  Please share them below!